You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass. – Timber Hawkeye

Someday…

Everything I Lacked I Found In You

It’s amazing how one person can contribute so much to our lives. I never thought that two people could complement each other so much in the way you and I do. For some reason, my weaknesses are your strengths, and yours are mine.

I overthink. I’m paranoid. I overanalyze everything. You helped me think clearly, analyze correctly, and collect my thoughts properly. You provided solutions when all I could do was stress about problems. You made my decisions when I couldn’t decide for myself.

You gave me answers when I could only wonder why and how and what. You kept me sane when I couldn’t think straight. You helped me be reasonable in all that I do, and there I realized that the rationality I lacked, I found in you.

I’m overly sensitive. I cry at the littlest things. My tears fall as fast as the weather changes. When I’m too weak to handle the difficult moments that life hands to me, you give me the strength to face them all. When I’m too scared to know what the future has in store for me, you give me the assurance that everything will be okay, no matter how the future goes.

When I fear being judged by the people around me, you remind me that I should stay true to who I am nevertheless. And in between those fleeting moments, I knew that the courage I lacked, I found in you.

I’m insecure, unable to find beauty in myself. In the moments that I don’t feel beautiful, you’re there, reminding me that I am. In the moments that I’m unhappy with my body, you’re there, telling me that I look better this way.

In the moments that I complain about the way I talk or walk or sing or even write, you’re there, showing me that there’s nothing to complain about. In the frequent moments that I doubt my capabilities, you’re always there, supporting me along the way. You believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself, and in that instance I understood that the confidence I lacked, I found in you.

I’ve always known that I had so much love to give, but I never had the chance to give it all. In the past, I gave love that was limited and careful. I thought the time will never come that I can give all of it, but then I met you. Although there are still moments that I couldn’t give my 100%, you provided what I couldn’t. I’ve read before that love is not always 50-50. Sometimes, days will come that I can only give you 10%. In those moments, you provided the 90. During the moments I felt like I’m incapable of loving, you loved me still. Unconditionally. And in those times I have proven that every percentage of love I lacked, I found in you.

People say that we don’t need others to make us whole, we don’t need other halves because we our capable of being whole alone. That may be true for some, but not for me. Somewhere along the way, I felt that something’s missing. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the void but I know that it’s there.

Then I met you. I think that when we become blessed in this life, someone will come along to provide the things we can’t provide for ourselves. That’s when we realize that we do need people, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to fill the void, nothing wrong with collecting pieces to make us whole. To me, you’re that person. The one who completes me. My other half. The missing puzzle piece. Without any explanation, I know that we just work. We fit. We complement one another.

Through all the times I’ve spent with you, I’ve decided that I will do everything to keep you by my side… because I’ve proven that everything I lacked, I found, and am continuing to find, in you. And for some insane reason, I know that what you lack, you can find in me, too. 

“One of the scariest things in our lives is actually doing what we know we want to do.”

– Cheryl Strayed

Junk Journal #2

Not much happenings today. Still feeling better except for this weird thing — I am having difficulty peeing. Maybe it’s becuase of my water intake the past weeks. When my tummy pain started weeks ago, I also started drinking less water. I think I drink only 4-6 glasses now. Tomorrow I will start drinking 8 glasses and hope everything’s going to be fine already so I can start looking for job again. I don’t need any distractions so I can really focus on the job hunting.

Niece wanted to jog on Saturday, which is tomorrow, but I told her it’s better to do it on Sunday because it’s more fun to exercise when there’s a lot of people. It’s like a fiesta around CCP complex during Sundays. You will see a lot of joggers, runners, cyclists, aero and zumba dancers. It feels like a party, actually. The sunday ambiance gives you more motivation to work out. 

Okay, time’s up. Im sleepy already. Maybe I should do this junk journal thing in the morning so I can think and write clearly? Sorry for my shallow entries. I am not really good at writing or at sharing experiences but I am trying to be good at both. One of the reasons I did this junk journal thing is to improve my writing skills and also be able to honestly express my thoughts and feelings. I am 34yrs old but I believe it’s not yet too late to learn, right?

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Junk Journal #1

I am happy that I feel so much better today compared to the last 2 weeks of tummy pains. Medyo kalmado na ang tiyan ko. Oo, nag self medicate lang ako pero promise, when find a job again, I will have myself checked by a doctor. 

My sleeping habit is super ok. I sleep around 9pm and wake up at 6am. My eating habit is ok, too. I make sure to eat breakfast and more importantly, eat on time; 3 meals plus a snack in the afternoon. I just have to work out on eating HEALTHY meals. I can do it. Slowly but surely. 

Speaking of eating habits, I started tracking my food intake since yesterday. Writing it on planner I bought from IamArtisan. I am using it a tracker now making sure that I eat a balanced diet. So far, it’s far from ‘balanced’ but at least I am TRYING. 

It’s already 7:35 pm and I am just sitting in the couch, typing this entry while my niece is watching Kubo and the Two Strings

I am ending this entry now and I am off to bed later. Good night.
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Meditation / 2017

During my senior year in high school I was one of the hosts of an event where until now I can vividly remember the feeling of a full blown anxiety. When one of the speakers went on stage and delivered a speech, what I did was, which I am not proud of, I hid under a table. Imagine that? At that time I thought I was just shy but what the heck? I was the President of my class and a Secretary of the entire HS so being shy wasn’t the problem. I think.

It was in College where I became a mute; introvert to the highest level. I would refrain from going to crowded places and I would only talk to very few of my classmates. I would panic during exams even if I studied well. My heart would beat so fast whenever my name is called for a recitation. Maybe I got overwhelmed with the number of people I interact with? I don’t know. And I didn’t tell a single soul of what I was feeling during those times.

Fast forward to  2017, I still have anxiety issues.

Two years ago, I started reading about meditation whenever I read articles about handling stress or living a happier life. Most of articles say that meditation is one of the best ways to help fight anxiety. I was interested in the idea but I never got to practice it. From time to time I read about meditation articles from people I follow on Twitter so I am always reminded about it. This year, one of my goal is to practice meditation.

According to a Huffington Post article the following are the benefits of meditation.

  • Meditation reduces stress.
  • It improves concentration.
  • It encourages a healthy lifestyle.
  • It increases happiness.
  • Meditation increases acceptance.
  • It slows aging.
  • The practice benefits cardiovascular and immune health.

So, I think I need to meditate to calm myself. Right?  Universe, help me.